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It has been over 2 years since I have written a post.  First, let me say thank you to all of you who have encouraged me to keep writing.  It hasn’t been that I haven’t had anything to say.  It’s that some things are better left unsaid.  Or at least, one should wait until the fog dissipates before Thinking Out LOUD.  I think the fog has cleared somewhat and I can communicate my thoughts coherently once again.  I’m sure most of you have switched channels by now, but if you’re tuning in, go ahead turn up the volume.  I’m back!

Most of you may already know this, but for those of you who don’t, 3 1/2 years ago I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease.  If you who don’t know what Crohn’s is, a quick search on WebMD will fill in the blanks for you.  I don’t think most readers want the gory details of what all it entails.  I’ll save that for another forum.

It has been a hard 3 1/2 years.  The pendulum of emotions has swung from denial, anger, self-pity, and acceptance.  And, not necessarily in that order.  I have felt like a human pin cushion. I have tried so many medications trying to get it under control.     Finding the right mix of treatments to manage it and bring it under control is an exhausting process.

November of 2009, my 3rd colonoscopy revealed the disease had spread and more drastic measures were necessary to get it into remission.  I had been resistant to taking any of the biological medications.  But, I had reached a point that it was becoming obvious that without Divine intervention, I needed to start the treatments.  I begin with a treatment of prednisone and an oral biologic, Imuran.  If any of you have ever taken prednisone, than you know how awful that drug is.  I took it for 3 months, gained 30 pounds and developed Cushing’s Syndrome.  Let me tell you in a word, it was HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE!!!  It is a very effective drug accompanied by very awful side effects.  I ended the prednisone the end of February 2010 and continued with Imuran until the end of March.  I had to stop the Imuran due to severe, crippling joint pain.

After all that aggressive treatment, IT DIDN’T WORK!  As soon as I stopped the medication, it all flared up again.  Now I was faced with the reality that this disease wasn’t going away, it was stubborn, and without a miracle the only way I could control it was with aggressive treatment that is inconvenient and very expensive.  So, June of 2010 I finally consented and began Remicade treatments.  These are infusion treatments that are similar to the administration of chemotherapy.  I go in every six weeks for 3 hours and am hooked up to an IV to receive my medication.  I then go home and am in bed sick for 2 to 3 days.   My disease, even a year later, is not what they would consider in complete remission but it is definitely more manageable.

And, then as if that wasn’t enough, on September 16, 2010 my daughters and I were hit by a drunk driver.  Thank the Lord, my girls were fine.  They didn’t even have a scratch.  However, I suffered a concussion and a neck injury that took the next few months to heal.  I am so thankful God was with us that night.  It could have been so much worse.

Now some of you are probably feeling a little sorry for me about now.  Even as I type this, I think this sure sounds pathetic.  Is this really my life?  There is so much I can write about from just the last 3 1/2 years of experience.  And, in time, I probably will do just that.  But, one thing I have learned in all of this is that LIFE doesn’t stop for anybody no matter how difficult the circumstances are.  Time continues to march on, children continue to grow, babies are born, loved ones die, and life keeps going.  I had a choice to make.  I could shake my fist at life and yell, “Stop! Wait for me! Don’t do anything until I’m well enough to participate!”  Or, I could take God on and see if what He promised in His word was really true.  Here’s what I found.

In 2 Corinthians 12:6-10 we read the account of the Apostle Paul dealing with a “thorn in the flesh”.  Now I have read this account over and over in my Christian life.  I’ve heard all kinds of messages preached from this passage.  There’s even a few great songs written from it.  And, I believed it.  But, I had never actually had to live it.  Until now.  Verses 9 and 10 have been my theme for these past few years.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.           ~2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NIV

I can tell you without a doubt that this promise from God is absolutely true.  I have had to use wisdom and know when to say no and when to just rest.  But, I have not had to check out of life.  Although, to be honest, at times it felt like that’s exactly what I was doing.  (There are so many emotions that come with a chronic illness, but I’ll save that for another post.) Don’t let me mislead you and lead you to believe that this verse enabled me to behave and live as though there was absolutely nothing wrong with me.   That would be the farthest thing from the truth.  It enables me to endure. I know God will give me the strength to accomplish those things in life that really matter.

I could very easily use my illness as an excuse to check out of a lot of things.  But instead I have embedded those scriptures deep in my heart and in my mind and forged ahead.  There are countless times I can point to over the last 3 1/2 years where I knew at that moment I was being infused with the power of God.  I knew that on my own physical strength I could have never accomplished the task.  Yet, God is faithful to His promise and He strengthens me when I am just too weak on my own.

This post is only a sliver of the whole picture.  But, I hope you have been encouraged by it.  It doesn’t matter how strong you think your faith is.  It is only the trying of it that reveals the strength of it.  I have found my faith shaken these past 3 1/2 years. I have wrestled with God over my healing. I have been angry with Him at times. But, I have found it to be true that His grace is sufficient for me and His strength truly is made PERFECT in my weakness. And ultimately all that matters is God. He is being allowed to shine more brightly in my weakened state. And, I am getting a very real picture of just how much I need Him.

So, I leave you with this question:

Where in your life do you need to allow God to infuse you with His grace so that His strength can be made perfect?

His grace is the only way you will ever really become strong.

 

 

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